“Whatever
happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.”
Philippians 1:27a
(NIV)
My
mother always had an answer when a friend was mean in elementary school. I
would ride the bus home, wait for her on the front step, and share my
heartbreak before she could get out of the car. I would announce through tears
that a friend whispered I was so skinny I looked like Popeye’s girlfriend Olive
Oil or another declared at lunch that my dress looked like a really old wrinkled
sack. And possibly the worst betrayal for a 6th grade girl? Confidentially
telling my best friend the name of the boy I secretly liked only to have her
tell him. “She will never be my friend ever again!” I would tell my mother.
But
she would reply “There will always be mean girls who say or do something unkind.
When a girl is mean, picture her naked with a wart on her nose. Then smile and
forgive her. Tomorrow will be better.
Just remember how this feels so you never treat anyone like you have
been treated.” That was great advice – well, maybe except for the “picture her”
part. But it did cause me to smile, forgive and move on. And yes, apologies
were given, friendships healed and tomorrows were once again hopeful and happy.
However,
in today’s world, the definition of “mean girl” has taken on a whole new
dimension. A “mean girl” is a bully focused on randomly attacking a girl verbally,
emotionally, mentally or even physically with the goal of humiliating her. It’s
not because of something bad that the target has done, which would still not
make it okay. No one deserves to be bullied by a “mean girl.” Simply put, the
attack is done “just because.” Need examples?
“I can’t believe
anybody who sees you would actually vote for YOU for homecoming queen!” (spoken
to a queen candidate) “Your teeth are so big; you look like a horse when you
smile.” (spoken to a girl with beautiful straight teeth) “You dress like a
----- every day at school.” (shouted by a group to a girl wearing a new pair of
jeans) Those are the least offensive comments that can be shared and are almost
always followed up with a smile and “just kidding.” But
they are not.
Today’s
“mean girl” longs to be popular and has a following either frightened of her or
wanting to emulate her. She is not afraid to attack face to face but feels
empowered with a group backing her, whispering and glancing at a girl to give
the impression they are talking about her. They may play jokes on her in front
of peers to make her look – and feel – belittled and embarrassed. And they
never apologize for their behavior.
Perhaps the
opposite occurs. A girl is totally ignored by her friends, like she is
invisible. And this does not even address bullying on Facebook or Snapchat,
where a person can remain anonymous and say whatever they want with no way to
be held accountable.
Now before you
say “but there has always been bullying in some form so girls just need to
toughen up,” there is a difference in todays “mean girl” bullying: she fully
intends to inflict pain and cause heartache on her target. And she is not
content until she feels she has accomplished just that. And one more fact: mean
girls are everywhere. In your daughter’s classes at school, at her favorite
place to eat, even in her church youth group.
So what can your
daughter do when a “mean girl” decides to focus on her? She basically has two choices:
she can focus on what the world says (Get even no matter what it takes.) or she
can focus on the Word. (Jesus never retaliated against anyone attacking Him.) Is
there a solution that will cause the bullying to stop completely? Sadly, no.
But there ARE some things that your daughter can do to create a perspective of
mercy toward the “mean girl” and hopefully, in the process, affect the attitude
of the bully. Consider the following:
First, pray with
your daughter: for courage and strength and wisdom to address the girl who is
mean; for a change of heart for whoever is bullying her. What the mean girl says
and does reflects her heart, not your daughter’s.
Second, encourage
your daughter to step away from the friendship, either temporarily or
permanently. Talk to the bully gently but firmly: “I would never talk to you or treat you like
you are treating me. Friends don’t do that to each other. So for now I am going
to step away from our friendship, and if we can’t fix it, then it needs to
end.”
Third, if the
person is not a friend, have your daughter consider having a teacher or
principal present as she talks with her: “I do not know why you are treating
me like you are but I would never treat you that way. My parents know about it
and I want my teacher/principal to know that it is going on and it needs to
stop.”
Fourth, remind
your daughter to forgive the “mean girl.” That does not mean that she has to
hang around with her again. But Jesus commands (not suggests) that we forgive
those who have harmed us.
We will never be
able to keep our daughters from encountering a “mean girl” from time to time in
their lives. But choosing to respond with forgiveness and compassion will guard
their hearts and help them to be an example of Jesus to those being mean.
Father, please help me to teach my daughter
to be an example of the love Jesus had toward those who are mean. Please give
her strength, courage and wisdom. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
R.A.P. it up . . .
Reflect
·
Has your daughter ever been the target of a
“mean girl”?
·
If so, what was your first response when she
told you?
Apply
·
Pray for the heart of the one who has been a
“mean girl” to your daughter.
·
Follow the suggestions given on handling a “mean
girl.”
Power
·
Philippians 1:27a (NIV) “Whatever happens,
conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.”
·
Matthew 5:43-44 (NIV) “But I tell you: Love your
enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”
·
I Corinthians 16:14 (NIV) “Do everything in
love.”
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