I Thought I Had Forgiven Her

 

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

Mark 11:25 (NIV)

 

It’s hard to describe the surge of intense anger I instantly felt when I heard the voice behind me say “I bet you don’t remember me . . .” I forced a smile on my face as I turned to greet her but on the inside, I was raging. Surely she could see my shirt jumping from the pounding of my heart! My hands clenched and unclenched as I battled a deep desire to grab her and scream “How dare you come up to me after everything you did?”

 

But instead I replied “Yes, I do remember you. It’s been a long time,” as she squeezed my hand and smiled in return. I had not forgotten her or how she had treated me many years before as we rode the school bus together day after day but evidently she had. She was 5 years older than me and never bothered to glance my way when she was by herself. But when her best friend was with her, she suddenly became bold in her comments and they bruised my heart much worse than if she had physically hit me and left a mark on my skin.

 

She would always sit in the seat behind me and speak to her friend in a stage whisper. “Nancy is so skinny. I bet she has some terrible disease and is going to die!” she would tell her friend. Or “Do you know what I heard about Nancy’s mother?” she would whisper loudly and then make up a horrible story that, while I knew it wasn’t true, hurt me terribly. And if I began to cry at what she said, she would immediately make fun of me for the tears. I cannot describe the relief that I felt on the day she graduated because I knew that I would not be hurt by her anymore.

 

Until the exact moment that I heard her voice, I thought I had forgiven her. I had read Scriptures on forgiving someone who has hurt you. I had given countless talks at women’s groups on forgiveness. I had encouraged members in my Sunday school class to forgive. But I had not.

 

            Instead, I had planted my anger and resentment and hurt deep into the soil of my heart and I had allowed it to take root and grow – for years. Then I read Mark 11:25 and I came face to face with my Father and His Word. He is direct and to the point: He will not forgive me for sinning against Him if I have not done the same: forgiven those who have sinned against me. There is no addendum attached that says “this Scripture only applies if the offender is truly sorry and asks you for forgiveness.” Nope. It says “forgive.” Period.

 

Hard to do? At times, oh yes, but so much easier if you ask the Lord for help. And that is exactly what I did. I asked Him to pull the anger and hurt and resentment out of my heart and replace them with mercy and grace and forgiveness. His answer was “yes.” And one more point – just because you have forgiven does not mean that you will forever forget what happened. But instead of continually allowing yourself to become angry and bitter, use your memory as an opportunity to remind yourself how badly you felt and resolve to never ever treat someone as you  were treated. Then thank the Lord for His mercy and forgiveness toward you. Have you been hurt or wronged or sinned against? Jesus understands completely. His example? Forgive so that we may be forgiven.

 

Father, please reveal to me any instance when I have not forgiven someone who has hurt or wronged me. I want to forgive as you do. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

 

 

R.A.P. it up . . .

 

Reflect

• Is there someone in your life, past or present, that hurt you deeply?

 

• Have you truly forgiven that person or do you feel anger and resentment every time you think about them?

 

Apply

• Journal the initials of people that you know or have known who have hurt you or sinned against you.

 

• Beside each one, write “I forgive you as my Father has forgiven me.” And lift each one up to the Lord.

 

Power

• Mark 11:25 (NIV) “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

 

• Colossians 3:13 (NIV) “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

 

• Matthew 6:14-15 (NIV) “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

 

Finding Balance in the Highs and Lows

 

“I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways. I delight in your decrees;

I will not neglect your word.”

Psalm 119:15-16 (NIV)

 

I have a condition known as hypoglycemia. It happens when my blood sugar (glucose) is used up too quickly or when it goes into my bloodstream too slowly. The symptoms I get can vary. I might suddenly become shaky, very tired and hungry or I may get confused or irritable. Yes, I know some of you are thinking “So how is that different from any other day?” Very funny.

While I have never gotten to this point, I do know that if it becomes too severe, seizures or even a coma might occur. So I have to take care of myself.

But here’s the truth: sometimes I don’t. Yes, I am very aware that I need to eat small meals throughout the day and not skip a meal or go too long between them. I also know that if I eat a diet every day that is balanced with protein, vegetables, fruits and fiber while limiting sugars, I will have very few episodes of hypoglycemia.

And yet, too often I try a “quick fix” to correct the problem, like a candy bar. And it will “fix” the low blood sugar – for a while. But all the candy bar will end up doing is shooting the blood sugar up as it dumps a temporary boost into my bloodstream and then disappearing as I drop to another low.  And I am left with the choice of either grabbing another candy bar for another temporary fix or eating a meal that is balanced.

Sometimes my prayer life is like that. I am in God’s Word for days, seeking His face, asking for His guidance, praising Him for His grace and forgiveness. I am “balanced” and ready for anything that might come my way.

But then one day I “skip a meal” of His Word and think I can make up for it later with a candy bar: a verse or two from Scripture and a short prayer. Will it give me a temporary boost? Sure. But now I have a decision to make. I can either wait until another low comes, whether it is a situation at work or a concern at home, and grab another verse or two and hope it moves me up into the high range. Or I can make time to feast daily on balanced meals of reading God’s Word and seeking His direction for my life.  

Just as a balanced diet every day without skipping a meal can prevent the majority of my blood sugar problems, so a balanced “diet” of being in God’s Word daily can keep me balanced between the highs and lows of life.

Lord, I do not want a temporary fix of a few minutes with you every day or two. I want to soak in your Word as I look for your direction for my life. Help me to daily seek you with all my heart. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

 

 

R.A.P. it up . . .

Reflect

• Do you find yourself in a “hit and miss” relationship with the Lord when it comes to your prayer time?

 

• What prevents you from daily conversations with God?

 

Apply

• Make a list of all the activities that you participate in for one full day.

 

• Draw a line through those things on your list that could be eliminated or rescheduled so you can have face-to-face time with the Lord.

 

 

Power

• Psalm 119:15-16 (NIV) “I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways. I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect your word.”

 

• Matthew 24:35 (NIV) “Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.”

 

• Psalm 119:105 (NIV) “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”

 

Mommy, Come!

 

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV)

 

 “Mommy, come!” I heard the little voice call. My two-year old son had an answer ready each time I walked in his room and said “What do you need, sweetie?” A drink. His blankie. A hug. Another hug. Just one more song.

 

After several evenings of him calling and my going to his crib, I knew something had to change. I had tried reminding him with each request that he already had a drink of water and his blankie was in his bed with him; that we had hugged three times and sung two extra songs. But nothing worked. He continued to repeat “Mommy, come!” again and again and again as soon as I left his room.

 

My husband and I realized that our son really didn’t need another drink or song or hug. He simply needed to be sure that, in the darkness of the night when he could not see us, we were still close by. So we decided on a nighttime routine.

 

When it was time for bed, we carried our little one into his bedroom, hugged him and whispered “Night night. Mommy and Daddy are going to bed, too. We love you. See you in the morning,” as we would smile and shut his door.

 

And, even though it was extremely hard, we did not go back in when we heard that precious voice calling. Of course we were still listening. Of course we peeked into his room after he fell asleep. Of course we were always there, even though he couldn’t see or hear us during the night.

 

But he needed to learn to trust that, even though we didn’t come the second he called, we would come. And in the morning, when I heard that sweet “Mommy, come!” I could not wait to open the door and sweep him up in my arms and say “Here I am!” as I covered him with hugs and kisses.

 

We are a lot like my son, aren’t we? The “darkness” of a job loss or a crisis in marriage or a prodigal child or a major health issue hits and we panic when our Father does not come immediately when we call. We mistake the silence for not caring or hearing and we wrestle with fear of the unknown and discouragement.

 

But look at Deuteronomy 31:8. The Lord tells us that He will never – say that word – never leave us. Sometimes, like my son, we need to learn to trust. We need to trust that the God of the Universe is still beside us, listening and loving. Even though we don’t see Him. Even though we don’t hear Him.

 

I encourage you to hold on through the night. That’s when we learn to trust that our Father has not left us. He is near, watching over us, guiding and protecting us every second of the day and night. He hears us when we call and He is faithful.

 

Father, help me to trust that you will never leave me, whether it’s in the darkest night or light of day. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

 

R.A.P. it up . . .

 

 

Reflect

• Have you ever felt like God was far away and did not hear you when you called on Him?

 

• Were you filled with fear and panic or did you trust the Lord?

 

Apply

• Journal and memorize Deuteronomy 31:8.

 

• When you struggle with fear, say Deuteronomy 31:8 aloud, placing “me” in place of “you” in the Scripture. Then thank Him for His faithfulness.

 

Power

• Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV) “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

 

• Psalm 116:2 (NIV) “Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.”

 

• Psalm 77:2 (NIV) “When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.”

 

 

Harvest and the Hay Crew

 

“Then he said to his disciples, ‘The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.’”

Matthew 9:37 (NIV)

 

 “The hay crew is here. See you at lunch,” my dad would call to my mother as he headed out the door to the barn. My sisters, brother and I would scramble to get the best spot on the front porch to watch the parade of tractors, combines, hay rakes, balers and wagons being driven or pulled onto our farm to help with harvest.

 

Driving that machinery were neighbors from nearby farms who helped each other in the hay fields every summer as well as a hay crew hired from around the community. The focus of each man was to work together to bring in the harvest.

 

We never tired of watching the process of harvesting each summer. First the hay was cut and allowed to dry. Then it was raked into rows and pulled up into a baler that shoved the hay into bales, tied them with twine and “spit” them out onto the ground.

 

The hay crew would throw each bale on a wagon where other crew members carefully stacked it so it would not fall. When the wagon was full, the bales were hauled to the barn and stored for the winter months when food would not easily be found for our cattle.

 

While all this was going on, my mother would be preparing a huge lunch for the men so they could get refueled for an afternoon back in the hot fields. Dad knew how hard the men worked and would stop for water breaks to cool off throughout the day in addition to rewarding each one with a generous paycheck when the work was done.

 

After several years of harvesting, my dad began to notice a difference in the attitudes of the young men who made up the hay crews. They began to demand changes. They wanted more water breaks and an even bigger lunch. They complained about the heat but wanted the same pay to work less hours in the fields.

 

Their excuses were varied: “I need to leave early. I have a date,” said one. “It’s just not fun anymore,” commented another young man. And a third member of the hay crew was overheard saying “It’s not MY hay. Why should I care if it gets done or not?”

 

The focus of the hay crew was no longer on the importance of the harvest but on themselves. Where once there was a pride in how the bales were stacked, they instead were thrown on the wagon - and ultimately in the barn - in a haphazard and unsafe manner.

As the focus shifted from bringing in the harvest to taking care of perceived needs, the result was instant: a lot of the hay remained in the field and was lost.

 

Jesus talked often about the harvest of souls and the need for workers in the harvest field. But so many times, just like those young men, we have excuses for not being a willing, enthusiastic member of the “hay crew.” Here are some of mine: “I don’t know what to say to him.” Or “They won’t listen to me anyway.” And “What if she gets mad?” What about “My life isn’t what it should be so how can I talk to someone?”

 

Let me ask you something. Are any of those excuses (and they are excuses) acceptable to the Lord? No, not one. The harvest is all around us; we are simply asked to step into the field and share Jesus. He will lead us every single step of the way. Let us work as hard as we can as members of the “hay crew” so that none will be left in the field.  

 

Father, right now I pray that you will send workers to the harvest. And I also ask that you will give me opportunities to share your name with the harvest, no matter where I am. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

 

R.A.P. it up . . .

 

 

Reflect

• What are some of your reasons for not sharing Jesus with the “harvest” around you?

 

• Do those reasons for not sharing Jesus focus on the “harvest” or on you?

 

Apply

• Before you get out of your car to go shopping, ask the Lord to show you someone specific that He wants you to share the Good News with and listen for His answer.

 

• Strike up a conversation in the checkout line with the person behind you as you wait and casually mention how God has blessed you.

 

Power

• Matthew 9:37 (NIV) “Then he said to his disciples, ‘The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.’”

 

• Proverbs 10:5 (NIV) “He who gathers crops in summer is a wise son, but he who sleeps during harvest is a disgraceful son.”

 

• II Timothy 1:7 (NIV) “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”