Surviving A Grown Up Mean Girl

 “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each  other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

         It’s funny how we can forget what we had for breakfast by 11 am but vividly remember a hurtful situation from 20 years ago. That was the time I was formally introduced to the concept of a “grown up mean girl.” 

            The company where I worked had formed a softball team. The coach was the husband of one of my co-workers. My position was pitcher but I also played first base occasionally.   The season had started off well and I was thoroughly enjoying the pastime with my teammates – until Susan, the wife of the coach, became upset with another team member.

           One day Susan came by my desk as I was talking with a co-worker and commented “I am so mad at Connie. She is always talking about how she is better than the rest of us, just because she has played softball on other teams. I think she needs to be benched for a while to teach her to keep her comments to herself. What do you guys think?”

    “I like Connie but I guess you’re right.” my co-worker answered.  I shrugged “I think we have a great team but I wouldn’t bench her for giving her opinion.” Susan went back to her desk and I totally forgot the conversation – until our next softball game.  

           The team ran out on the field and I grabbed my glove and started toward the pitcher’s mound when the coach stopped me. “Hey, Nancy, wait a minute. We have a new pitcher. You’ll go in later.” I was totally caught off guard.  A new pitcher?  I wondered why until I glanced at Susan aka the “grown up mean girl.” Her smile and laugh answered my “why” question. I had not agreed with what she had wanted to do. Therefore, I would pay for it. I finally got in the game:  for the last play of the last inning – in center field. 

   That was only the beginning. I realized that for the rest of the season, I would be sitting on the bench and not playing another inning. Each game was the same: I cheered for the team. I encouraged them when we got behind.  And then I went home and cried until, with half of our games left, my husband gave me some great advice.

   “You have choices. You can quit. Quit the team. That’s what she wants you to do anyway.  You can ask the coach why you are sitting the bench every game but you already know the reason. Or you can refuse to let Susan’s mean spill over into your life and spoil your glass-half-full attitude.”

    Then he gave me a hug and grinned: “Susan doesn’t know it but the ball is in your court – well, field actually. It’s totally up to you how this turns out. It’s your call: keep striking out or hit a home run.”

    He was right. I had gone home after every game and cried at how unfair it was for me to be sitting on the bench because the coach’s wife didn’t like my comment. My conversations at home with my husband were 100% focused on my hurt feelings and my anger and . . . me. And the glass half full that I had always had? It had become emptied and cracked.  I had become miserable at work and I had taken that misery home with me.

    I would love to tell you that I immediately changed my attitude and forgave Susan but I didn’t.  It took a lot of prayer and Ephesians 4:32 to remind me that, as a Christian, my attitude should always be kind and forgiving. Even when I am treated unfairly. Especially when I am treated unfairly.

    The first day at work after my heart change from the Lord was hard. When the “grown up mean girl” walked by my desk with her usual glare, I smiled and said “Hi Susan. How are you?” She replied “What business is it of yours?” and rolled her eyes and walked on. Susan only got angrier as I became kinder. That anger then became directed at the other softball players and by the end of the season, they decided to disband the team.

   I learned a lot from this  experience. As a Christian, my attitude and total reaction has to come from the Word of God. I have to examine my heart and get rid of any anger or bitterness I may have. And I need to forgive just as Jesus has forgiven. Nothing less will do.   

   My heart changed, too. I no longer saw a “grown up mean girl.” Instead I saw Susan: a woman who needed the kindness and forgiveness Jesus had given me. And I prayed that, one day, she would accept His gift.

                Father, please help me have the right attitude when I have been treated unfairly.  Help me to see a “grown up mean girl” through your eyes.  In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

R.A.P. it up . . .

Reflect

•  Think about situations in which you have been treated unfairly by a “grown up mean girl.”

•  What was your immediate reaction? Forgiveness and love or anger and retaliation?

Apply

• Memorize Ephesians 4:32. Keep it on a note card in your purse and on your bathroom mirror.

•  Let your first response when confronted by a “grown up mean girl” be one of kindness and compassion.

Power

• Ephesians 4:32 (NIV) “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

•  Colossians 3:12 (NIV) “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

• Luke 6:27-28 (NIV) “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”

The Trip I Never Want to Take

 “I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist.  Return to me, for I have redeemed you.”

Isaiah 44:22 (NIV)

     “Want to take a trip?” my husband asked.  The question sounded innocent enough. Who wouldn’t want to travel to a beautiful place you hadn’t been to before? “Sure,” I said. “I’m up for anything.” The smile that spread across my husband’s face was a clue – a big clue – that I should have thought through my answer a little longer than the one second it had taken me.

     I found out very quickly that our definitions of “trip” were completely opposite. We packed our car and drove off on what I assumed would be leisurely days of exploring the countryside and smelling the fresh air. Nope. Not even close. We drove through – DROVE THROUGH – 9 states in 5 days! At one point, I muttered “I have no idea where we are,” to which he responded, “Me, either, but isn’t this a fun trip!”  I tried to smile a “yes” but inside I was thinking “Are you kidding me? Wait - did we just drive through Tennessee?”

    Most trips can be fun. Take a trip to the Mall of America or take a trip to Colorado. A trip to the Grand Canyon would be great, wouldn’t it? What about a trip around the world? Any of those trips could result in a time of relaxation and rest. But there is one trip you should never take: a guilt trip.

     What do you get if you buy that guilt trip ticket? Baggage: drained emotions and sleepless nights and migraines and stomach aches. Just as a peaceful, relaxing trip to Florida and the beach begs me to return, so does the guilt trip. And, unfortunately, many times I give in and revisit again and again and again.

     Never forget the Truth our Father has promised us in His Word. When we ask to be forgiven for sin in our lives, we find as David did in Psalm 103:12 that “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” And then God takes that forgiveness one step further.

     He looks us in the eye and speaks this to our hearts: “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” (Hebrews 8:12) It sounds like the first confirmed diagnosis of Alzheimer’s in the Bible. But it isn’t. It is so much more. It’s His promise to forgive and to forget . . . forever.

         Now, be prepared for the liar to sneak in, trying to get you to pack your suitcase for the guilt trip. Satan will whisper “if only you had . . .” or “ you aren’t really forgiven.” as he tries to convince you that God will never truly forgive and forget what you did or said. His purpose is to try to get you to doubt God . . . and feel guilty . . . and ask forgiveness (again) . . . and doubt . . . and on and on. 

        Don’t pack a suitcase for the guilt trip because it will slowly cripple your thought and prayer life and eventually affect your relationship with the Lord. The next time you feel the pull from Satan to go on a guilt trip, read Ephesians 2:4-5 and make the decision to change it to a grace trip. “But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.” 

       Lord, forgive me when I allow guilt and doubt to crowd out your forgiveness and grace. I hand my guilt and doubt to you and lay them at the foot of the cross. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

 R.A.P. it up . . .

Reflect

• What is your first response when you ask forgiveness for sin? Immediate relief and    thankfulness or questioning as to whether you are truly forgiven?

•  Do you find yourself doubting whether God really does forgive and forget your sin?

 

 Apply

• Memorize Hebrews 8:12 and repeat it to yourself when feelings of guilt creep in and try to pull your focus off the Lord.

•  Ask a prayer warrior to partner with you and hold you accountable when you begin to doubt God’s forgiveness and His forgetting sin in your life.

 

Power

• Isaiah 44:22 (NIV) “I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you.”  

• Psalm 38:4 (NIV) “My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.”

• Hebrews 8:12 (NIV) “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”

 

Try Try Again

 “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

Romans 7:15 (NIV)

   Right before I climbed out of bed early this morning, I gave my day to the Lord. I asked Him to direct my attitude to be kind and compassionate; to help me see anyone hurting or needing encouragement; to overlook an unkind attitude toward me; to ignore hurtful things and instead look for good in everyone. Requests sincerely spoken from my heart as I tell Jesus I want to be like Him. And then I go to the gym.

   The one with the music blasting at a “permanently damage and rupture your eardrum” level turns the music UP  when I ask if he could turn it down just a bit. Immediately I feel anger begin to grow as I quietly wish he would pull a muscle and have to leave.  I really DO want to be like Jesus but to this guy, Lord? Are you kidding?

   Then I followed an elderly woman driving 10 mph in a 40 mph zone as I hurried to the store. She signaled she was turning left and then suddenly swerved back into my lane and never realized that I came within inches of hitting her. Honestly! Why in the world is she even driving? Impatience and unkind thoughts join the anger already building in my heart.

   And if that wasn’t enough, I had to deal with yet another call to the phone company and explain for the 5th  time that my bill was incorrect and I had never made any calls to a foreign country nor had I ever called one in my entire life. After I was transferred to the third department head with an “I’m sorry” but the mistake was not corrected, I found myself asking the Lord out loud: “You want me to be okay with this, Lord? Those who don’t care about my problem? I’m supposed to be kind to them?”

  It is 10 a.m. and I have already done the complete opposite of what I had just prayed only hours earlier. What in the world is wrong with me? Paul, in Romans 7:15, totally understood what we are facing. He writes “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Sound familiar? That’s us!

   Paul was a Godly man who loved the Lord with all his heart and yet he struggled with the very attitudes and emotions that we struggle with every single day.  I truly long to be like Jesus. I want to be His hands and feet and for people to know by my actions that I serve Him with every part of my life. And yet, I fail again and again. 

   Thankfully, we have a Father who understands that we will fail repeatedly because we are human and weak. We allow sin to creep in and unfortunately try to determine for ourselves just who WE think we should be kind to in our lives.

   The Lord has given us a helper as we maneuver through every day. He is the Holy Spirit. We read in John 14:26 “But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, who the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.”

  He is the nudge in your heart that says “Take a deep breath. You have no idea what is going on in her life.” He whispers “You just did that same thing yesterday and you are forgiven.” He reminds me that the Lord of my life is the Lord of all. And that He loves everyone – no matter how loud the music or how slow the driver.

   And so I will try again. I will ask for a second chance. God replies with “Forgiven.” I will remind myself of Colossians 3:13: “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” My blood pressure will go back to normal. My breathing will relax. And my heart will rejoice that God forgives us for the very things we get angry about with other people.

   Father, thank you for your patience and forgiveness with me as I try to live a life as you would have me live. I will focus on you and your word. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

R.A.P. it up . . .

Reflect

•  Can you remember a time when you became angry over an incident someone did that you did yourself?

•  Why did you think that what they did was somehow “different” than you doing the same thing?

Apply

•  Journal your actions in the last week when someone did something to irritate you or make you mad and your reaction. 

• Thank the Lord for forgiving you for your negative reaction, take a deep breath, thank Him for His forgiveness, smile and praise Him for what He has done in your life. Repeat as necessary.

Power

• Romans 7:15 (NIV) “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

• John 14:26 (NIV) “But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, who the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.

•  Colossians 3:13 (NIV) “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

The Truth Is Worth Repeating

 “Do not trust in deceptive words and say, ‘This is the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord!”

 Jeremiah 7:4 (NIV)

   I was sitting in a planning meeting with some friends from high school as we prepared for a class reunion. One of our classmates had lovingly and carefully created a photo board of those in our class who had passed away since graduation. Each picture had the name, date and cause of death under it. 

    There were comments concerning how many had passed away from cancer and accidents when I noticed a mistake. Two girls had “car wreck” under their names but that was not correct. “These two passed away from a boating accident,” I commented, “and not from a wreck.” The woman who had made the board said “No, they were together in a car wreck when they lost their lives.”

   I disagreed. I was pretty sure I even knew the color of the plastic rafts that they were floating on when the accident occurred. “I remember it so clearly,” I continued. “It was right before I left for college. I was in shock when I heard they died in a boating accident.” 

   At this point, the collective group looked at me with a “Huh?” look on their faces.  Their stories were identical: the cause of death was a car accident. Up to that second I had been 100% sure of my recollection. How can something like that happen?

   I honestly do not remember why but somehow, through the years, I began to believe that my version of the accident was the right one. And when people would talk about friends in their classes at school, I would mention the tragedy of my two girlfriends and the boating accident. But it wasn’t true.  Now, I didn’t intentionally lie or deliberately change the story. But as I repeated it through the years, it became real to me, down to the color of the plastic rafts! 

   I heard a speaker state that if you repeat anything enough times, people start believing it and it becomes true. And that had happened to me. Look at  Jeremiah 7:4. God instructed the prophet Jeremiah to remind the people of Judah that just because they kept repeating a lie – that they were invincible because Jerusalem was the site of the temple - it did not make it the truth. 

   Let me ask you something: what lie have you believed about yourself because you have heard it over and over and over? For every lie directed at you, our Father has a truth to beat it back. 

Lie: “You are worthless.” Truth: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Lie: “You can’t do anything right.” Truth: “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13 (NIV)

Lie: “You do not matter to anyone.” Truth: “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV)

   Today, as never before, guard your hearts by speaking God’s Words of affirmation and love to you. Toss those lies out now! Remember, the Truth is worth repeating.

 

     Father, forgive me for listening to lies until they became truth in my heart. You say I am more valuable to you than gold. Thank you. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

R.A.P. it up . . . 

Reflect

• Have you ever had someone repeat over and over to you that you were of no value, either because of how you looked or what you did?

• Did you begin to believe the lies that were spoken to you?

Apply

• Write Scriptures on note cards that remind you how precious and priceless you are to the Lord and place them around your home.

• Every morning pull one of those Scriptures out, look into the mirror, and repeat God’s Truth to you as His beautiful child.

Power 

• Jeremiah 7:4 (NIV) “Do not trust in deceptive words and say, ‘This is the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord!”

• Psalm 139:14 (NIV) “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

• Matthew 10:29-31 (NIV) “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”